And she nests.

For a while I've really been avoiding nesting at my parent's house. Mostly it was denial, and the rest was fear, because I knew that when I did finally start to put down roots then I would have to accept my reality...I kept telling myself, This isn't permanent...he'll change his mind. He'll miss us. Things will get better. We won't be here long Any day now he'll regret this and get us our own place and we'll be a family again...

Yikes.

It's officially been a year and I've finally found acceptance. I've slowly started nesting...I know this is just a phase in my life right now, and just as I always took pride in making each military station feel like a home, I see no reason not to do that here too. So finally I unpacked those last two boxes. As I emptied them out and found places for the little things that used to feather my family's nest, I actually felt really healthy. I know that I will be here until I finish my bachelors degree, and I'm no longer embarrassed about this, I'm actually pretty proud. I was welcomed back into the arms of my childhood home, heartbroken and spirits crushed...but I'll sure as heck leave empowered and wise.

I'm no longer depressed 24/7, and boy does that feel great! I'm pursuing my hobbies again and I'm enjoying myself. I don't cry anymore when Isabella goes with her dad for the weekend. Instead, I go out with friends, I read a book, I take myself to a movie...I enjoy myself and do the things single moms don't ever get to do.

One of my hobbies is gardening. I love to grow things. I'm planting myself a little garden this season, and a few pots of flowers...feeling the cool damp earth in my hands is so nice! Turning up the new ground made me feel refreshed.

Breaking ground, starting fresh...putting down roots. That's kind of my life.

Pardon my horrible posture. I didn't know my dad was taking this picture...and I was tired from all that digging.

Saturday Morning

My favorite. Snuggling and watching cartoons...all week long during hectic class schedules I look forward to this. It recharges my battery and restores my soul for another exhausting week.

My nightstand. Lovely, isn't it? During the week I never stop to pay attention to what's getting piled up...but when I walked into my room yesterday and actually saw the week's worth of clutter build-up, I felt kind of sheepish. Taco Bell?! When did I eat Taco Bell?! More importantly...why did I bring my cup upstairs, put it on my nightstand, and leave it there all week? I felt like one of those people on Hoarders. I was a wee bit embarassed of myself. So embarassed in fact, that I decided to take a picture and post it on the interwebs. This is nothing...you should see my floor, dresser...bed...On second thought, maybe you shouldn't. Since this picture was taken, have I cleaned? No way. In fact, a granola bar wrapper, a sippie cup, and a half full can of Diet Dr. Pepper has been added to the mix.

Hey, look! It's 11:30. I honestly cannot remember if I took this picture in the am or pm...and that's the troof.

Divorce Sucks.

Nine days is a long time in toddler time...but it's a century in mommy time. I count my blessings that Isabella is a chip off the ole block. Independent to a fault, that girl. I can honestly vouch that this quality will serve her well later in life.

This is the excited scene every time I am packing her up to go see her daddy. I'm so glad that she gets excited, I'm so blessed that she is happy and independent and looks forward to this even though it means a different routine and separation from mommy She handles this so much better than I do. My little rock. I cannot imagine how much harder this would be for me if I had to leave her with her daddy if she was crying and clinging to my leg.

All of her favorite toys, pillows and books have to be packed. She meticulously counts each one. She needs Bald Eagle, Jaguar and Skunk...if I were to forget to pack one of those...madness would ensue.

I usually weep a little weep as I'm packing up my baby bird...I may even sleep in her bed tonight because it smells like her. I'll bet every single mommy does this.

Any mother who has gone through a divorce knows exactly what I am dealing with...it's an unspoken bond among us. The first questions always being, "How often does she have go with her dad?" Not because we doubt they will be taken care of...contrary. I know without a doubt Isabella is very well taken care of and suffers no loss of kisses when she's with him. It's just that horrible dread of being separated from your young. It's so unnatural. It's a palpable depression that sets in and doesn't lift until you pick them back up after the visitation time...you smell them, kiss them and squeeze all your favorite little parts...much like watching a mother bear nuzzling her cub.

Some instincts are universal I suppose.

Sundry Sunday

Does anyone else remember taking Sunday afternoon drives with their family? Some of my earliest memories involve aimless drives with my parents and sisters. No destination...no schedule...just riding together and taking in the view.

Today that is exactly what Isabella and I did. Armed with junk food and good music, we meandered our way down the winding road to one of my favorite historic towns. We talked and sang. Isabella makes a great conversationalist...together we discussed life, heartache and broken crayons.

We stopped to eat our lunch at a scenic pull-off overlooking Douglas lake. It was too cold to do much more than get out and stretch our legs...but I managed to shoot a couple of frosty little moments :)

I can't help but touch this face. Who could?!

This nose...

And these cheeks! She's learned to tolerate the squeezing really well...

Inspecting all of the engravings from lovers in the past...I really hope there's nothing nasty carved on there...whoops I forgot to look.

I couldn't help but wonder where GW and MK are today...I made up a daydream that they're old and gray and live in one of the old Victorian houses in the town.

I don't have a sweetheart to engrave on this old table...but when I saw her little hand rest on this heart...I realized that I in fact do have a sweetheart :)

Portraits

Four months: The amount of time it has been since my last post. Uh...yeah.

My first semester of school was a learning experience that goes way beyond textbooks. Never again-and I do mean never- will I consider a career in computers. I changed my major one month into the semester.

I learned a little about life, and a lot about myself. I made some new friends and I was humbled greatly. Perhaps the greatest education is my renewed sense of determination. Reality can do that to you...one quick swoop and your lovely little card castle of denials and delusions is scattered on the floor. I started my new semester last week and I am already feeling ten times happier in the pursuit of my new career choice. There are no words to describe the comfort of finding one's niche in the world.

Life has been a natural ebb and flow of ups and downs. But in the midst of it all my family has carried me through. Lately, Isabella has taken to drawing pictures of everyone in the family. Perhaps I'm biased, but my favorites are the ones she draws of me. My bulletin board I use for homework assignments is dotted with pictures of little potato people sporting googly eyes and crooked smiles. It makes me the happiest mommy of all to know that this is how she views me in her little mind.

My personal survival kit.

Pardon the twitching.